after you left: a year without you
And just like that, a year passed.
Indeed, years are short, and days are long. At least, long enough to realize that you’re no longer here.
Bapak, I
have many things in mind that I always wanted to tell you, and now, I will just
write them down here, though you will never be able to read this.
So, the
first to third month after you left, everything went well. I don’t know, I might
have not processed everything. I was busy trying to make up things to make our
dreams come true. Oh, not to forget that I took the test 10 days after you left,
even though I had no confidence left. Yet, I made it Bapak. I did know that it
was not all about my efforts, but because of your endless prayers for me which helped
me went through the process.
Then January,
the first month without you. I went to the office as usual. I tried to apply
for many things, but… it did not work. However, I did not regret trying it, I
was not that upset haha (I mean, I was, but a little)
Next month,
busy busy busy but also stressful. Many people did wrong to me and nobody stood
up for me, I was like meh, whatever. I told Adek and cried over the phone. I did
not know to whom else I could tell my stories because it had been always you
who comforted me.
Oh almost forgot,
after you left, I made a group chat for me, Mami and Adek. We were even more
solid than before. Bapak you should know, now Mami is soooo active and busy
doing this and that. The busiest one in the group. She went to the mosque every
day and joined NU (I was so shocked) that she was even appointed to handle much
stuff now, and most importantly, she was getting more confident. Bapak, now Mami
can even dance and karaoke with her friends. Such huge progress that I wish you
could witness it yourself.
In May, I did
volunteering again, after so many years and it made me a bit content, and happy
(tho it would never be complete without you). I met new people, I made friends,
and yeah brand new experiences Bapak. I wish I could tell you directly.
June, the
first June, my first birthday without you. Wow that wasssssss hard. You’re
always gave me your prayers “semoga yang kamu cita dan cintakan terwujud ya, sayang”,
ugh I miss that sentence so damn much. But no worries Bapak, on that day, I went to Manado,
and unexpectedly I met a very good person Kak Shera, and most importantly she
was soooo cool. PhD candidate at UCB like woooooowwwwww. She even bought me
lunch lol.
And I got a
very good bday gift I never imagined before, I got accepted for something.
Bapak, I was beyond happy that I was trembling reading the email. I hurriedly
told Mami and Adek, I wish you were there too, tho. I could imagine how happy
and proud you would be, aaah what a pity.
And after
that, a series of dramas happened, like always. Life without drama would not be
fun, I guess (tho it drove me dizzy, and almost crazy) but I eventually found a
way to make it, and then it was July.
Bapak, I
took another standardized test and it was OHGOSH difficult huhuhuhuhu despite
the tryouts I did with Kakak almost every day for months, it was still that difficult.
But I was so thankful for having Kakak-Kakak who always cared for me. I was so
lucky for that Bapak, just as you said, I will be surrounded by good people
(tho the bad ones also existed lol).
August,
THAT WAS THE BEST MONTH OF THE YEAR. It felt like a dream. I got new pieces of
knowledge, experiences, and lovely friends. And I went to visit you too, with Mami.
Really, if you were there, you would ask me to tell you my whole stories the entire
day HAHAHA. It was really a fruitful experience. Indeed a highlight of my 2022.
The rest of
the months, Sept, Oct, Nov were super duper busy and I was so knackered ngl.
And now December, exactly one year after you left. I became a crybaby I cried
almost every day for the whole month. I am sorry Bapak, I knew you would not
like it if I cried.
So that’s that for the chronological stories, now I am going to write whatever comes to my mind. Going too deep lol. And Bapak, I will use Indonesian (or maybe bilingual), I ran out of vocabulary. Seems like I need to live abroad to master English, nah?
Bapak, Aya kangen
banget sama Bapak. Asli. Ga boong. Rasanya emang awal-awal kaya ya udah, bisa
apa, tapi lama-lama rasanya mau gila. Apa Aya belum ikhlas ditinggal Bapak, ya,
Pak? Aya masih sering tanya kenapa, kenapa Bapak pergi duluan? Kenapa Aya ditinggal?
Kenapa? Tapi Allah masih sayang sama Aya, hamper tiap minggu Allah kasih mimpi
tentang Bapak. Seneng sih, tapi sedih juga. Tiap mimpi rasanya aku sadar ga
sadar Bapak udah pergi, di mimpi aku selalu mau peluk Bapak sambal ngerekam
apapun yang kita lakuin, tapi aku selalu ga nemu aplikasi di hp buat ngrekam
itu. Sampe akhirnya aku bangun, ya emang cuma mimpi. Jadinya sering deh tu pagi-pagi
langsung nangis sesenggukan wkwk tapi ga ada yang tahu kok wkwkwkwk, I cried in
silence wkwkwk.
Bapak, now
I have so many worries. Banyak takutnya. Takut terlalu egois, takut terlalu ambisius,
bahkan sekarang mau mimpi juga takut-takut. Inget gak Pak, Aya pernah bilang
kalo nanti Aya pengennya punya suami foreigner? Haha, iya yang kaya gitu Pak,
yang dulu Aya bilang mantu Bapak hehehehehehe. Tapi sekarang ngebayangin aja ga
berani karena dulu selalu punya bayangan my fiancé would be singing lagunya
Brian Mc.Knight yang Marry Your Daughter, eh tapi sekarang yang mau dinyanyiin
aja udah ga ada. Terus gimana dong Pak? Aya juga suka sedih, iri juga sih, sama
yang masih punya Bapak. Aya juga pengen if someday I get married, anak-anakku ngerasain
punya eyang kaya Bapak, but it won’t happen in forever now. Wkwkwkwkw sedih
banget gak sih Pak, ampe nangis nih nulisnya kwkwkwkw maaf ya Pak, pasti Bapak
ga suka banget liat aku nangis. Nangis (unless happy tears) cuma symbol putus
asa, kata Bapak. Yes, I do remember that.
Oh ya, soal
Mami. Mami tiada hari tanpa wedangan. Sering banget juga reuni sama temen SMP,
terus sama temen kerja. Terus sekarang Mami tiap Minggu senam Pak, ya ampun
liat deh gerakannya kaya kurang oli wkwk kaku banget. Jagoan kitalah kalo soal
joget sama nyanyi lol. Tapi progress Mami bener-bener kerasa, cuma ya sedih aja
kalo inget Bapak ga sempet liat itu semua. Kadang Aya juga kasian kalo inget
Mami sendirian di rumah. Bener-bener baru pas ditinggal Bapak kayanya Mami
terpuruk banget, bahkan pas ditinggal Simbok sama Pak Tuo, Mami ga segitu terpuruknya.
Tau ga Pak? Sampe hari ke 100an, Mami ngitungin udah berapa hari ditinggal Bapak.
Hampir tiap hari bikin status tentang Bapak, bikin video tentang Bapak. She loves
you so dearly, and I know you did the same wholeheartedly makanya Mami segitu
kehilangannya. Yah walopun dulu suka kaya Tom and Jerry wkwkwk.
Bapak, udah
setaun Bapak ninggalin Aya, Mami sama Adek. Walopun kadang rasanya mau udahan
nyerah aja, tapi ga. Aya masih mau usaha dulu, wujudin satu per satu mimpi kita
dulu. Doa-doa Bapak masih berlaku kan ya? Kalo doa Bapak diakumulasiin, mungkin
itu nanti yang bikin mimpi aku terwujud satu per satu. Sekarang tuh kalo ada kejadian
baik, Aya langsung ingetnya doa Bapak sama Mami yang bikin hal baik terjadi.
Jujur kadang jadi suka ga pede dan grogi tauk kalo ga dapet doa Bapak. Tapi
selalu inget baca AlFatihah 11x kok hehe insyaAllah. Cuman ya gitu, tetep aja, kadang
takut.
Aya juga abis potong rambut pendek Pak, ih cantik deh HAHAHAHAH (biasanya Bapak yang bilang, sekarang bilang ke diri sendiri bcs who else?). Tapi sekarang gendutttt lagi, jadi mau diet lagi hehehe semoga beneran jadi nih dietnya hehe
So that’s
that, Bapak. Maaf ya kalo tahun ini Aya masih suka nangis tiba-tiba hehe.
Kangen banget soalnyaaaaaa. Tapi gapapa hehe sooner or later, we will be
together, again. Tetep sering-sering dateng ke mimpi ya, Pak. Nanti ngobrol sama peluk yang lamaaaaaaaaaa. Okaaaay?
Mbak evi maaf
ReplyDelete