keeping dreams alive

it's been a while since my last random post regarding my thoughts

here i come back, hello again

in less than two months, 2019 is going to an end. lots of dramas happened, some of them were joyful, some of them were months to learn. i know everybody's struggling through the year, either to improve for a progress or even just to survive. for me, the reason's the second one. lots of things happened in a way that made me thought i was kinda depressed, desperate. most of time i thought i didn't belong here. i kept telling myself: i wasn't fine, i wasn't okay.

people would keep giving me advises to be grateful, to be thankful, to enjoy every second of my life, that lots of people wish to have life like mine. but guess what? it didn't affect me at all. i often ended up crying alone at home, especially when the night came. the desperation led me to some questions about my existence, about my feelings, about my happiness and loneliness as well. i found it so hard to live here, i just felt i couldn't fit in.

people may assume i was always at a pleasant state, but nah. i was not. i didn't have any friends whose the frequency similar as mine, i didn't have regular person(s) to discuss with, i couldn't do what i really wanted to do and i didn't like a super quiet place like this. i used to be so mobile back then, i used to meet lots of new friends for various backgrounds so that i could learn a lot. at least i felt that way. but now, i am always bored of being bored. i am bored of most of things. i am bored of people i interacted with (because you know, i meet the same people like everyday), i am bored of the works that i do (like literally, it didn't really enrich me in term of knowledge but always got me stressed out and exhausted), i am bored that i always found myself desperate.

initially, i always labelled myself as an extrovert one, yet lately i guess that's not 100% correct. even though i had lots of friends, i didn't feel like telling my predictable stories, because i know, everybody's facing their own problems, even somehow worse than mine, yet i won't compare. i didn't feel like sharing till one day when i didn't have any courage to do anything, to be back on track, a sister came through a chat (well, i texted her first). we talked about something in common at first, and slowly but sure about life we're currently living. about dreams that almost gone as the time went by, about being so fed up with working life and i ended up spending my most of time for moaning and doing nothing. i told her that i didn't have a chance to develop my interest, or my talent (well i didn't think i had one, lol), i told her that i was so caught up into my work etc etc. guess what's her answer?

"kakak di pedalaman begini masih suka dengerin livestreamnya @america"

"penjaga supaya mimpinya tidak hilang"

menjaga mimpi, keeping dreams alive. despite being adult somehow sucks, that we often don't give a damn for what so called dreams, well at some points dream is what keeping us alive, and sane. it might sound so cliche and not so relevant, but that's true. i was kinda taken aback once i read her text. well, really, in term of geographic, my current place was waaaay much better than hers, where she's currently living in Sarmi Region, of of the region in Papua. nevertheless, her answer to my moaning was kinda unexpected. She could see from the positive side, she turned the obstacles as challenge (as it should be) and even reminded me and gave me advises. that's really really precious, and priceless for me. i am beyond grateful for having her as my non-biological sister. instead of telling me to give up and resign whenever i moaned a lot, just like others did, she'd encouraged me to get a way out, an elegant way to escape while improving my lacking capability. she reminded me those who do nothing won't go anywhere. she had a point. we know it's a long long way to go, but we are pretty sure there're lots of things should be prepared and it takes time. it does.

i was once again kinda slapped right on my face. i should realize that i didn't come this far just to ignore the reality, just to moan all day long. i should do something, something that makes me alive as i used to be. something that excites me, something that makes me happy. and to aim that goals, i need to prepare myself, i need to sacrifice, i need to go extra miles. and kakak came to me when i lost my path, when i almost forgot i had dreams to pursue. she reminded me about my dreams which need to be realized. alhamdulillaah, alhamdulillaah, alhamdulillaah.

sometimes, what we need is neither a luxury nor fancy thing, we just need someone that has same value(s) as us. we just want someone who pleased to remind us when we lost, those who kindly encourage us when we're broken and someone who leads us to the love of life. love of life = purpose of life = how to bring good impacts for surroundings, bagaimana memberikan manfaat untuk orang lain, bagaimana membawa kebaikan bagi sekitar. and i thank kakak for being the one that played (and plays) that role. i couldn't thank u enough.

through this post, i hope it could be reminder when you're feeling lost.

that's all for today.

xx.