Counting Changes

People change, they do, we all knew.

Sadar atau enggak, mengakui atau tidak, semua pasti berubah. Pasti. Yang ga berubah? Ya cuma perubahan itu sendiri. What does not change is change itself.

Ah ya, first of all, you need to know that "this post is randomly written bilingually by me" hehehehehehehe. Aku hanya sedang ingin menulis, karena tidak tahu harus bercerita kepada siapa tentang hal yang mungkin dianggap ga penting ini (ya emang ga penting, sih).

Lately, I fully realized, so many things changed, including me, yet I barely knew what exactly changed. Lil did I know, yang berubah adalah aku yang less happier than I was, less productive than I was, so much more moaning than I was, so much more emotional than I was, etc etc etc. But I guess, some of my changes was out of my control. I realized after people told me so. So here is the story.

One day, I had Udon at Marugame Udon Manado, as usual I got my Spicy Tori Baitan Udon, so did my companion.

Once we finished eating, he asked me "you don't eat its soup, huh?", then I simply replied "no, I do not"

I did not really realize that I used to finish all my food till the last drop of my soup, till on another day, a senior of mine asked me when we had soto,

"how could you still have a half bowl of soup while you already finished eating?"

of course, I only answered "hehehe, I could just because"

but then I realized, I changed that much. Aku dulu selalu menghabiskan makananku sampe ke kuah-kuahnya, apalagi kalo itu soto, bakso, ramen, dll. Tapi sekarang enggak, sekarang aku bisa menyisakan kuah separuh mangkok. I dunno when it started, aku gatau kapan kebiasaan makan aja bisa seberubah ini. I dunno. Padahal belum ada satu tahun aku di sini. I can not really define it's bad, but yeah, I changed eventually.

Bulan lalu, aku bertemu adek tingkat tersayang (dua orang).

Mereka bilang "Kak Evi, you haven't changed a bit, you look as happy as you were. it's like you really enjoy your life there"

It surely got me like "Whaaaattttt? Are you kidding me?"

I dunno whether I didn't change as much as my imagiantion or I simply succeed on faking everything, being happy indeed. You guys name it. Aku tidak tahu, seberapa aku berubah di mata orang, sepertinya takaran perubahan masing-masing dari kita berbeda. Not so comparable, yet somehow not that invisible.

Yang paling aku sadari sejauh ini, mmmm no, let's make it clear, at least for 2019 yang udah sebulan berjalan, aku mengeluh terlalu banyak dan terlalu sering. Let's say I was not grateful, but yeah dunno aku hanya merasa banyak hakku yang terrenggut (you are allowed to judge me being too much) dan tidak terpenuhi. Entah, mungkin aku yang berlebihan. I somehow questioning, do you really come this far just to go this far? Ngapain aku jauh-jauh ke ujung utara Indonesia cuma buat jadi budak, tidur, makan, ngeluh, repeat? Ngapain? Aku nggak menikmati karena rasanya serba ditekan, padahal kalian taulah, aku ni seperti ga ada kerjaan. Hahahahahahahahahahaha aku bisa apa selain hahahahahahahahahaha. Ya mungkin ini cuma perasaanku dan egoku yang meledak-ledak, tapi selain itu, aku merasa kenapa idealismeku semakin tergerus? Banyak prinsip yang mulai kubengkok-bengkokin, kutawar sendiri, kulanggar sendiri. Rasanya kaya berkhianat pada diri sendiri. Serius. Contoh simpel adalah saat suruh mengabdi pada negeri 8 jam dan beberapa jam diantaranya aku korupsi (walaupun banyak jam lainnya aku relakan tanpa dibayar), tetap saja ada bagian aku berbohong. Padahal aku paling ga suka bohong, dan dibohongi. That is really principle, tapi sekarang? Ah sudahlah. Malu sendiri ngomonginnya.

Banyak sih emang aku berubah. But guys, I sincerely ask you, please remind me whenever I am out of the track. Tolong ingatkan kalo aku berubah ke hal yang lebih buruk, tolong ingatkan aku, semoga aku bisa lebih baik. Sudahlah, sudah malah. Kapan-kapan kuteruskan.

Bye.