A note of mine #1

Today is September 8th 2017. All of my college fellas have done the thesis defense by today, so first of all, I wanna congratulate to you all, YOU GUYS DID GREAT. I am happy for you.

Today, as I felt indescribable feelings but I couldn't tell anyone just because I knew it right that everybody was trying to make their business up, so I just wanna throw it here. Before going further, I wanna ask for your apology, that maybe, along you read this writings, you will find some of misspellings or grammatical errors. I just try to write my heart down, and deliver my thoughts truthfully. Hope you guys being advised.

Mmm, I dunno where to begin this story, so I just wanna spell it randomly whatever comes to my mind. Hmm as you know guys, all of the last graders in my campus have done their thesis defense to achieve undergraduate degree, so did I. But, as soon as I just passed it, bunch of questions came across my mind. Also some thoughts that I shouldn't brag about. Hmm how do I say it? How how how?

The first question I frequently asked to myself was, do I really deserve that S.ST degree? Do really I? I feel like, mmm, eventhough I've been studying statistics for the last 4 years, having ups and downs, crying river after exams, but in some ways I still afraid to put that kinda title, yet I must be so proud. The thing is, I guess I just got used to, I mean like, yeah you know, I don't even master the subjects I've studied, or I don't think I am able to derive some statistics formulas. Yeah, I think I just got used to it. I can't deny that I am delighted for finally arriving this phase, after long-long drama, yet I am also worried, how can I be responsible for the title behind my name that everybody will mention soon after October 7th 2017? What if people will continuously ask me about statistics? Sure I am responsible to answer, even I'd been studying for free (actually not-so-tuition-free, I just borrowed people tax while mortgaged myself to be placed in countryside years after). How can a statistician aint able to explain statistics? Four years aint that short, if it was a child, he must have entered a kindergarten that he was able to do proper things. If I am allowed to make a pleading, or whatsoever, I know the basic knowledge of statistics, I can do running data, I can interpret the data, but still I guess that's not enough. I am still so lacking in sooooo many ways, I can't help but admit it. It's just similar as me, four years should be enough to fall in love with statistics, to know every particular thing about it, after having it 5/7 a week. Oh, shame on me. I kept telling everyone my excuse that being accepted here wasn't my original plan, I never imagined before, so that's normal if I couldn't be the best out of those who have planned it since they're in secondary school. But these days, after watching some of variety shows of great actors, models, singers... they didn't appear on screen instantly, they passed the hardship. Somehow starving, aching, being desperate, hopeless, but in the end, they finally made it. I just remember the words of Hong JinKyung, she said a dream has been a luxury for her, she just faced the cruel world, entered modelling in early age since her dad was sick and someone needed to earn money. She felt like gave up on her original goals, the path that she designed, and passed the facts instead. And just as we know, she ended up being a model, entertainer and a CEO of a Kimchi factory. Those aren't her dreams, but she still made it eventually. Her story really woke me up like, hey, in your case, you're still allowed to dream, to plan some goals, my parents are healthy, your problems aint that huge compare to others, why moaning so much? Why being lazy and accusing the situation in the end? Yes, I did it all for my parents' sake, but still, but still, I should be endlessly grateful. If I weren't accepted here, I might not get a chance to meet great people, I might not get the chance to recognize myself better, and so on. These thoughts remind me to change, by now, like Njay, Evi, stop moaning, stop being lazy or you'll regret it later. Maybe you feel so caught up, so fucked up, but, lots of people out there wish to put their feet on your shoes, seems great. Who knows, this path brings me to my final goals. It may be different roads, but the direction stays the same, so does the destination. Who knows this path leads me to the adventurous journey, and surprisingly brings me to my original dreams, who knows? None knows. I just have to believe in Allah and keep it in my heart and in my mind while improving myself as still get the chance. Hopefully, I can keep my own words. Wish me luck.

The second question is, about my thesis. Is my thesis useful enough for people around? I mean like, maybe it's cliche, I was so naive that I wanted to make a thesis based on my interest, but still, useful. Not just to fulfil conditions to get my degree. Also, I might be too arrogant to choose a rare topic (note so rare, actually, but yeah, it's really challenging to get the references, especially local references) just because I didn't want to pick a mainstream one, whereas my ability wasn't there yet. Long short story, I finally decided my current topic, with its reason, it can be relate to our daily life by everyone who reads it. Fyi, the topic I chose was, the impacts of human capital and social capital on employment status of the head of household in Indonesia. I have to admit, the process wasn't so easy, I was like soooooooooooooooooo lazy in the middle, felt so insecure like didn't get any guard nor advice just as my expectation and drama by drama came alternately. It was really something, yet I aint that confident to show my thesis, like hmm, it's so lacking everywhere that I wanna hide it somewhere huhuhuhuhu (the unstable side of me, expect the thesis will be useful, but feel shame at the same time). So guys, maybe some of you will happen to find my thesis in library's bookshelf, please tell me directly my weakness, and if you're pleased, tell me what I should do. 

The third thing is, hmmmm realising that I am getting closer to the finish line, it means I am getting closer to the new chapter of life as well. I maybe end up thrown in countryside (hopefully not) for years ahead, having place even farther from home. Sad. Every time I think about it, I always imagine my parents faces, my brother... I usually be melancholic all of sudden. Hmmm who cares, I dont really care. But this is the answer of my parents prayers, may be I'll be homesick someday, but this is the best thing I can do for my parents. I only hope they are will have a long life and stay healthy. That's all. I am typing these while holding my tears like a baby huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu.

Actually I have another thoughts of mine, but I can't arrange it well into sentences. I will just post it later. See ya xx.

Ps. Right now, I also miss somebody. I miss you, I really do. Been a while, dude. Who knows you happen to read this.